Our Private Worlds

Each and all of us have private places in our lives that we really don’t want to share with anyone. Spaces where we store our secrets.

Secrets that not necessarily are dark or something we want to hide, but the things we keep to ourselves for whatever reason it is we choose too.  At some point we need to share them with someone because basically human nature just can’t help itself.

Many people write for others and in a sense I do too, however my writing has worked therapeutically for me. Like I told my brother, out of us I chose the easy way because I sit down and share with others my experiences facing only a computer screen.  Which is far more easy than opening up to someone and sharing a painful memory or the secrets we store away in that very private world we have spinning constantly on the axis of our memory.

Believing Turning Point 2

On the contrary, he likes to talk and connect with people. He does the up, close and personal. He’s the bravest of us because I don’t have the gut to open up, and even if I would, I wouldn’t be able to find my voice.

That’s what probably explains that today was the day I was going to have one of the earnest conversations I’ve had with my brother in over twenty years through a bunch of very long text messages.

We talked about a lot of things we’ve been through, I cried most of the time.  Never in my wildest dreams would I ever have imagined that after so many years, we would finally talk about so many unspoken truths.  We were so far away, but at the same time very close at heart.

To think it all began with his usual typed, “Hey kiddo”  message.

Our conversations hardly evolve into what this one did.  They usually go back and forth about how things are going and bottom line we just make sure we’re good on both sides of the line and then move on.

He recently retired from the Army and settling back home in Kansas, adjusting to life after serving twenty-five plus years.  From the very get-go as he began his family I knew that against the odds or statistics, he would become everything our father was not.  He wasn’t going to repeat the cycle as our father did after being abused by my grandfather.

That brought solace into my life because I knew my niece and nephew wouldn’t have to endure what we did.  He’s a great dad!

You know, maybe other people have it far worse than we had, but it doesn’t matter because each and all of us deal with our experiences and comparing it to others doesn’t really take the pain away.

The most important thing about our conversation was when I got to voice something I had kept in my private world.  With all the rest of the sad things I’ve had to live throughout my life.

I have always felt guilty when it comes to my brother because the took the worst part of it all.  I know it’s something I had no control over, however I just couldn’t help myself from feeling the way I did.

Finally, I was able to take it off my chest, when I told him that, –I’m so sorry that you took the worst part.-  

Just being able to tell him that made me feel so much better. I felt a ton lighter, even though I was crying my heart out it felt good.  Peace embraced my soul after so many years.  

My words, his words became powerful instruments that gave me solace.  

We were bringing closure to a chapter in our lives that at least I have kept stored away for far too long. This doesn’t mean that it’s a done deal because it doesn’t work this way, but each time we have the opportunity to work on our issues it’s a blessing.

Today my brother became my blessing.  It was unexpected, yet very welcome.  It couldn’t have been in a better day.

So you see my dear friends this is life’s beauty.  When you least expect it something great happens that can bring us so many wonderful things.  Today my unexpected, brought me peace of heart, and gave me the opportunity to open up my private world becoming a better person along the way.

See you around the corner and never stop believing in the beauty of life or yourself.












Parenting after forty: Only for fools

Is it true what they say that we should become parents early in life because we’re vibrant and full of energy?

Using my experience I would probably say YES. Nevertheless, using that same experience I would also say NO.

My eldest daughter in Paris the year she entered her senior year in College.  (June/2011)
My eldest daughter in Paris the year she entered her senior year in College. (June/2011)

Parenting is as hard with my daughter which turned 24 this year, as it is with my youngest son which is only 2 1/2.

Actually I can’t forget my two boys that are 22 and 21 respectively, almost finishing their degrees in college.

To tell you the truth parenting is hard all way round.  Maybe people are right about parenting again after your forties because all our energies are wiped out.  None the less, we are more patient when we are older.  No longer what seemed so important as we raised our children in our late twenties and early thirties matter anymore.  You basically want that child to look into our world and challenge whatever it is that’s out there for him or her.

Basically going back in time has its perks, once I had the opportunity to see my oldest and youngest looking out the same window, she and her brothers would peep out to.

Sizes of motherhood.
Sizes of motherhood.

I hung on to my children more than I should have as I raised them with my husband, always dreading something would happen to them.  Thank God I gave them the precious gift of curiosity and logic reasoning and held on to my fears in private.  They all embrace their worlds and are more than willing to dive in at adventure and want to make their aspirations and dreams become realities.

When I look into the eyes of wonder my baby has it only serves to surprise me and I actually want to kick myself to make sure I’m not dreaming the blessing I live every day.  My son is a gift of grace, (actually his name means a gift from God).

Ian when he was six months old.
Ian when he was six months old.

Motherhood comes in all sizes and times in our lives.

Maybe parenting after forties is truly for fools, the good part is that actually I’m only two years away from my  50th birthday, so maybe by then someone would say,

Parenting in your 50’s is only for the brave and kind at heart…. because parenting can only truly be a blessing…

Summer 2013
Summer 2013