Cancer

Vulnerability

Have you ever felt that nothing protects you from the mishaps of life?

During my life time  I’ve felt vulnerable only in several occasions.

One that is embedded in my memories would be the day my best friend’s husband called me to tell me that she had been hit by a car and had died almost immediately after.   Words fail to describe how vulnerable I felt during those brief moments.  Pain ripped through my body and soul as I realized that things like this happen, and that they can happen to anyone. 

via morgueFile

Going down memory lane would have to  be,  the day I was rushed to a nearby hospital and was admitted to the Intensive Care Unit without even having a diagnose of what was happening to me.  I was terribly ill, but doctors couldn’t pinpoint what was wrong with me.

I could have been easily on a House episode during that time.  I was so afraid of dying, my life had been turned around and no longer was I healthy or would be in the near future.

via morgueFile

It seemed my life had fallen into a pit, that I no longer controlled the events that were taking place.

I felt the raw vulnerability of a newborn.

I felt naked in a world of dressed people with nothing to protect me from anything or anyone.

When we’re ill our world changes and our independence is lost with so many other things.  We feel that nothing stands between us and life.  All our barriers are gone, leaving nothing left except our bare essence.

It’s like taking a free fall into a bottomless pit.  You just fall suspended in time and space without a notion of what will happen next.

Today as I visited my father-in-law I looked at him and these thoughts crept inside me and left me cold with despair.  He clings on to my mother-in-law,  not wanting to let go because he’s afraid something will happen while she’s gone during every other night she travels home to catch some sleep and do some laundry.  She usually rushes back back with the break of dawn the next morning.

via google images

I know exactly how he feels and I really can’t blame him.  He’s not acting up or being selfish for wanting her and her only.  She’s his life line,  the one that protects him from life itself,  she  has become the barrier between him and cancer.

How would you deal with this re-discovered vulnerability? Why do I say it’s re-discovered?  Basically because  we’re born vulnerable and stay this way until we are old enough to face life and begin constructing barriers to protect ourselves.

Do we need to go back to our childhood and just learn to toughen up?

I really don’t have the answers, because each one of us is different.  Each and every one of us deal in different ways with our issues and work around them.

However, who ever will try to cope with vulnerability needs to accept that life sometimes brings on terrible things upon us.

We just need to learn to work ourselves around them in a way that we can learn  to cope with life’s tragedies and pits.

via morgueFile

It’s like learning to walk again.

The best part of this all is that after facing our vulnerability we come out stronger.  We pull through without knowing we were strong enough to make it all way down.

Even if we thought that our free fall would last forever the sudden thump of the ground below us makes us realize that we’ve made it through.  The thump hurts like hell, but we’re still alive and struggling to leap on our feet.

I made it through and so many of you too, and I have faith that my beloved father-in-law is also going to make it all way to the bottom to just jump right up and stand once again.

It’s all about embracing our new circumstances and moving on.

Welcoming back our own vulnerabilities as if we were children learning to walk once more.  As a child taking his or her first steps towards a new stage in their lives.

via google images

Vulnerability is painful, but at the same time beautiful because we can emerge from it as the phoenix with re-owned strength and courage to face whatever it is we need to.

And that my dear friends is what life is all about!

Life

Dealing With the Rapids of Life

Most of the time hearing things we don’t want to deal with is difficult and challenging.

People react in different ways and to tell you the truth in ways that sometimes leave us dumb folded because it’s not what we expected or simply want to hear.

Sometimes if what is being said is too hard to take in, we usually have to ask the person we are talking with to repeat it because for a split second we may not even be able to fully comprehend what is being said.

via Google Images

Probably everyone passes through the same stages of denial, frustration and even anger for about everything related with something we just can’t control. Then, after all the fuss we turn towards what we can’t fully explain, but if you’re like me (a believer) is a part of us, FAITH.

Faith can be many things, for all us it may even have a different meaning.

Nevertheless, it’s something we bring out when everything else seems to have failed.

It definitely  can get us through the rapids of life.

via google images

Faith is like our raft, it’s going to take us through the rushing waters to a place where the river becomes calm and peaceful.

Dealing with cancer in something like that.

When you receive good news its easy to hold on to your faith, however,  when you face terrible ones it becomes elusive as it plays hide and seek with us.

Our faith has many faces and becomes whatever we need in the moment of our need.  None the less, believing that things will get better is sometimes the only thing we have left.

Some would say that all of this is bolony, that life is what it is and that’s that. But, how do you deal with our emotional being that suffers and desperately cries for solutions that our logic tells us that they don’t exist.  You can go mad just by trying!

via google images

However, using your faith to get through what ever it is you need to get through doesn’t mean you don’t have to accept the specific circumstances of your predicament, it only means that it’s going to help you get through them without destroying yourself through the process.

Life certainly is a mystery.

We can’t control most of the things that happen to us, but we surely can control our choices in what to believe in.

I’m not saying that you should find your closest church and visit it today, but to find the essence of your person and reach in to what you believe in. Then, if you want and if you need the comfort others can offer you that also believe in a greater God “go for it”.

This doesn’t work for everyone!

For some just reaching in and finding peace with yourself and with life is enough surrounded by those who love you unconditionally.

Whatever works for you is fine. It’s all about getting through the tough times and just waiting for the moment are waters are peaceful once again.  My grandmother would always say “no hay mal que dure cien a~os ni pellejo que lo resista.”  Which means tough times will never last a lifetime basically because we are not capable of enduring that amount of hardship.

Things eventually will get better. It’s just a matter of waiting for it to happen.

Cancer

“The call”

How many of you know the meaning of, “the phone call”?  Not any call, but the one who delivers the news you just can’t cope with.

via morgueFile

Every time my beloved husband was admitted in the hospital due to his liver cirrhosis and I left him to come home I was scared to death to receive a call from the hospital informing me that something was wrong and that I needed to get back there immediately.

It’s something I don’t care to revisit, but last week my sister-in-law reminded me about it.  She was terrified I would call my in-laws to tell them something had gone wrong.  So as it goes, I thought everyone dreads this type of call.  Probably to the point to feel sick in their stomachs.  To this day, even if more than twenty years have passed, she still feels anxiety when her phone rings during the night.

Probably we’re all tuned in because just a few days earlier we had been talking about how much she dreaded those calls in the middle of the night.

My father in law has been struggling with his cancer during the past two years and it seems to be relapsing and he’s pretty weak, even though we thought he was better these days.

Last week, my brother-in-law called me and asked me to get in touch with my husband because he needed to come home.  As he delivered his news on the phone, I literally felt dizzy.  immediately I questioned what was going on, and he just said he didn’t know.  Something was wrong with his dad, and he had called 9/11.

My mind went blank.

What would happen?  How would be husband react?  Who could I call?

I tried to reach him on his cel phone, which proved to be impossible and tried to call his work area.  I didn’t know who to call.  Which as the events unfolded proved to be unacceptable.  We didn’t know it at the time, but we were actually drilling for a future event that would not hold the same outcome as this one.  Why?

Basically because this time around, his glucose levels had hit rock bottom.  Something very normal for cancer patients that receive multiple chemo therapies.  The worst part probably is that he’s heading for his fourth round of chemo’s next week.

Going back to my husband, I finally reached him and he was able to deal with his brother with the ongoing situation. After that, he made sure to punch all his closest co-workers and his boss’s number on my cel.

via morgueFile

Do we need to prepare ourselves for the “call”?  Hell, YES!  When emergency call on our doors we need to stand high to the challenge and work with whatever is necessary.  Is is hard?  Hell, YES!  But, there is no other way to tackle what ever is ahead of us.

All of us react different when faced with emergencies.

via flicker

But all of us should have a common denominator, to be able to work with the moment forgetting about our own grief and putting others before us.  It’s easier when we do it this way.  When a person is reeled in an emergency room unconscious is not the time to scream I love you to his or her ear, its way before that we need to tell them how important they are and have been in our lives and with a tender kiss whisper in their ear that we have loved them with all our heart.

This of all things  is what will help us face the “dreaded” call and deal with whatever we need to.

Faith

Voices of Faith

Being a mom has its moments!

via morgueFile

The best part of them are when you are comforted by your grown up children and receive words that make you feel in peace with yourself and the world that surrounds you.

Today my son (which turns 21 this next October), told me “Mom, you’re a woman of faith.  Everything will be fine.”.  He reminded me of something I’ve forgotten.  Faith has always played a huge part of who I am and today I realized that I’ve neglected it to an obscure little corner of my life.

I’ve taught all my children the joys of living through things you believe in.

via morgueFile

Not all of them share my view of God, or the world in fact.  Yet, they recognize through their words that faith has been my dear companion through the harsh realities of my childhood and the troubles and joys of my adult life.

When did I begin losing my faith?  Is that even possible?

Today I faced the reality that my faith nor has been lost nor diminished.  Faith is a gift that lives inside you until the very day we die.

I am a women of faith.

via morgueFile

My dear son just reminded me of all the wonderful things faith has done to my life.  Just to mention a few, it helped me endure a VERY dysfunctional upbringing, it kept me company while I waited patiently for my husband’s liver transplant, it comforted me when I faced the uncertainly of becoming a very young widow with two toddlers and an infant to care for, it carried me through endless nights caring for a very ill spouse, it supported me through my own boy’s struggle with Celiac disease, and it has been constantly carrying me through my illness.

Without my strong faith I wouldn’t have been able to pull it off.

Instead of my beautiful faith I would have drowned into a severe depression.

via morgueFile

I can happily say that today I have found my way through the eyes of my dear son.

My faith in believing that things will get better and that  there is a dear Shepard that stands right next to me when things go wrong and jumps in joy when my circumstances are better.

Thank you Lord, for always being there for me and my family.  Not only my husband and children, but for my brother and parents.

Life indeed is a mystery, but it’s darn well worth living it!  We are what we believe in and I’ve always believed in the good of life and its endless opportunities of learning from our mistakes.

Probably the best part of it all is that it has absolutely nothing to do with religion!!!  So, how much better can it get?

Faith

What do you believe in?

When we face life related issues we usually opt for believing in something, ANYTHING in fact.  We plead, pray, shout or simply whisper to who ever is out there.

During our lifetime we face different beliefs and religions and chose one.

Yet,  are we walking through our own chosen pathway, or is it one someone else chose for us?

via morgueFile

If you saw The Life of Pi,  you probably heard that Pi called out to God, Shiva, and many other deities.  I would think he covered them all.  He was desperate, his life was coming to an end.  He faced his fears and moved on.  Probably, that’s one of the things that I liked best about the movie.

The sea was forgiving sometimes and brutal the next.  That’s how life is, forgiving when we are able to live through happy moments and brutal when we face difficulties and tragedies as well.

What do we believe in any way?

It’s funny though how some of us are crazy using our beliefs against anything or anyone that isn’t like us.

We stand firmly behind them and charge like savage bulls against homosexuals, homeless, drug addicts, our lousy neighbors, our relatives, and any other person who doesn’t share our view on religion or life itself.

In this specific element, we are very sure in what we believe in?

via morgueFile

Do you really think that whatever deity you have chosen to believe in cares if you talk to others when the service is over?

That’s another thing, the nonsense of rituals.

Our beliefs are not set in stone, we change them often as we go through life.  If you do believe in a single all mighty God, do you really think He cares that you talk a bit in the building where people unite to adore him?  Probably I’ll guess He’s more concerned about our morals or ethics in life.

What do you believe in?

via shutterstock

Today is Sunday, a great day to go outside and take a look at what surrounds us and just marvel on the fact that whatever it is we believe in or whoever it is, life is a darn marvelous thing.

Nature is one of our major gifts and we should do everything and anything we can to cherish and preserve it because it’s a gift bestowed on humanity.

No matter our rituals or in how few or  many gods we believe in, not taking care of this marvelous blue ball we call Earth will be our major and most unforgivable sin ever.

via morgueFile

Don’t you believe?