Each and all of us have private places in our lives that we really don’t want to share with anyone. Spaces where we store our secrets.
Secrets that not necessarily are dark or something we want to hide, but the things we keep to ourselves for whatever reason it is we choose too. At some point we need to share them with someone because basically human nature just can’t help itself.
Many people write for others and in a sense I do too, however my writing has worked therapeutically for me. Like I told my brother, out of us I chose the easy way because I sit down and share with others my experiences facing only a computer screen. Which is far more easy than opening up to someone and sharing a painful memory or the secrets we store away in that very private world we have spinning constantly on the axis of our memory.
On the contrary, he likes to talk and connect with people. He does the up, close and personal. He’s the bravest of us because I don’t have the gut to open up, and even if I would, I wouldn’t be able to find my voice.
That’s what probably explains that today was the day I was going to have one of the earnest conversations I’ve had with my brother in over twenty years through a bunch of very long text messages.
We talked about a lot of things we’ve been through, I cried most of the time. Never in my wildest dreams would I ever have imagined that after so many years, we would finally talk about so many unspoken truths. We were so far away, but at the same time very close at heart.
To think it all began with his usual typed, “Hey kiddo” message.
Our conversations hardly evolve into what this one did. They usually go back and forth about how things are going and bottom line we just make sure we’re good on both sides of the line and then move on.
He recently retired from the Army and settling back home in Kansas, adjusting to life after serving twenty-five plus years. From the very get-go as he began his family I knew that against the odds or statistics, he would become everything our father was not. He wasn’t going to repeat the cycle as our father did after being abused by my grandfather.
That brought solace into my life because I knew my niece and nephew wouldn’t have to endure what we did. He’s a great dad!
You know, maybe other people have it far worse than we had, but it doesn’t matter because each and all of us deal with our experiences and comparing it to others doesn’t really take the pain away.
The most important thing about our conversation was when I got to voice something I had kept in my private world. With all the rest of the sad things I’ve had to live throughout my life.
I have always felt guilty when it comes to my brother because the took the worst part of it all. I know it’s something I had no control over, however I just couldn’t help myself from feeling the way I did.
Finally, I was able to take it off my chest, when I told him that, –I’m so sorry that you took the worst part.-
Just being able to tell him that made me feel so much better. I felt a ton lighter, even though I was crying my heart out it felt good. Peace embraced my soul after so many years.
My words, his words became powerful instruments that gave me solace.
We were bringing closure to a chapter in our lives that at least I have kept stored away for far too long. This doesn’t mean that it’s a done deal because it doesn’t work this way, but each time we have the opportunity to work on our issues it’s a blessing.
Today my brother became my blessing. It was unexpected, yet very welcome. It couldn’t have been in a better day.
So you see my dear friends this is life’s beauty. When you least expect it something great happens that can bring us so many wonderful things. Today my unexpected, brought me peace of heart, and gave me the opportunity to open up my private world becoming a better person along the way.
See you around the corner and never stop believing in the beauty of life or yourself.