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During these holidays I’ve asked myself many questions, however the one that has tingled at the back of my head the most has been, when does grief really begin?

When we face the loss of someone we have loved deeply and dearly, someone who has been very close to us in life it’s so painful you don’t feel anything at all.  It’s a feeling of numbness, it is a  pain so intense and overwhelming that we go to a place where there is absolutely nothing.  But, the catch and blessing of this loss is that it only happens when our loss is sudden.

On the other hand, when we face cancer its a bit more complicated.  With the passing of each day we lose bits and pieces of our loved one.  Cancer simply takes over who they are and leaves a  brittle voice as the aftermath of everything going on.

Is it worth going through the extermination process they call chemotherapy?  Is it worth holding to a life that with each day becomes less meaningful.  Is it selfish to want to end all the pain and anguish?

Grief even though shared does not lose its sharp edge, when you feel the hollowness of your chest, when any call is a reason to dread news or an unwanted reminder of how things are going.   This is when you learn to grieve over those who are still alive and within us.

Embracing the reality of knowing that simply there is nothing we can do about it.  Knowing that we can’t make it better even if we try our very best to do it.  Feeling powerless in front of whatever is happening to our loved ones.  Wanting the clock to tick backwards so we can make things right.

This is the moment when we tune into our spiritual world and let nature take its course.  Life is a circle and so, never ends.  The only things that change are those who spin around in it, the arrivals and departures and those who are caught in between.  Easier said than believed in because mankind has always entertained the idea of eternity.

We relinquish death and all it entails.

Our grief is the sorrow of the eminent goodbye, is not knowing if we will be departed from each other forever.  That’s what makes accepting death so hard.

Along my road to rediscovering who I am, I really don’t know what’s out there.  I no longer can trust my faith or the grace of a God who governs our world, but lets us suffer.  Who professes unconditional love to humanity, but is bleak in his response to our pain.  Can I still find him?  Honestly I think nobody knows the answers to these questions.

Nature will take its course and we who are still among the living can only watch and learn a lesson or two along the way.  Changing grief into acceptance.  Making it part of who we are and making us better and stronger along the way.   If our grief brings endurance with it we have gained and not lost one bit.  But, please lets leave faith out of the equation!

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