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Visiting my church in the past brought not only peace of heart, but also joy.  Sadly this has changed, and has made me doubt the fundamentals of my whole life.

I’ve been visiting the same church for about thirty-seven years.

My first visit was when I was barely eleven years old.  If you do the math you’ll know I’m forty-seven years old.

I’ve felt embarrassed for some time now. Not only for those who proclaim they are Christians, but also for myself.

It has been something gradual, probably that’s where I stopped calling myself a Christian, but a believer.  In what do I believe in???  In Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit,  in mankind’s good nature, and in the fact that anyone who is still alive has an opportunity for redemption.  God’s love is extended not only the kind and compassionate, but also to  the cruel and sinister as well.

Some may think, “Wait hold your horses, is this lady off beat or what?”  Isn’t she Presbyterian, isn’t she from the “frozen chosen clan”?  Somebody, please tell her to read the manual!

Whoever said that we needed to believe in all dogma and theology that was ever drilled in our heads? My denomination has or never will control what I chose to believe in or not.  The good thing is that I actually get to chose what I want  to believe in!

However, it doesn’t stop there in just believing, it’s about doing something with my calling.   Trying to be as good as I can, and even if I fail,  picking up the pieces and trying all over again.  Trying hard to never be the same as I was before.

It’s about trying to find compassion within me to reach out to those in dire need.  However, if I can’t be the one that’s doing the work in the field being our Lord’s hands and voice, then I’ll have the blessing of  supporting or praying for  someone who can be.  The magic is all about finding my place in the big picture.

via morgueFile

Never judging others, and certainly trying to live up to Jesus’s highest preach, love to God above all things, and to our brother and sister as if they  were are own selves.

It has been often where I’ve heard the words, “those people” voiced by some members of my own congregation and others.  Referring not only to the homeless, drug addicts but also to the homosexuals.

Didn’t Jesus preach love and acceptance?  Didn’t He say that he came to all?  Didn’t he question each and one of the people who followed him.

Whereas our preach, is exactly what?

The homosexual population are attacked so often people think that’s the norm.  We’ve made them feel like aliens among us.  Isn’t being a Christian about love, honesty, courage, and faith.  Whereas love is the jewel of the crown.

Probably the worst I’ve felt in a while was after reading a hateful comment some Christians left on a receipt for the waiter that tended their table.  Industry Life made an important point when he posted it on his blog.  I felt overwhelmed for a moment, and then I thought “What the f&%ck happened there!”

We congregate together, we are united, but at the same time divided at heart.  Many little things have undermined my faith in Christianity and my congregation.  I know as a fact that many with their mouths,  bless the Lord, but with that same mouth condemn their brothers or sisters in faith and life.

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Now a days just saying I’m Christian doesn’t bring joy to my life.

I’ve tried with all my heart to re-find the joy and happiness that just sitting in church used to give me.  Yet, it’s gone and I’m heartbroken just to think it never will come back.

How can we be detached about all the wrong that goes on thinking that never in a lifetime will it happen to us.

All what is left is to stop, and ask ourselves as Jesus himself did when two of John’s disciples followed him after listening to John when he proclaimed, “Look, here is the Lamb of God.”  He turned around and asked them,  “What are you looking for?”

That same question is still as valid today as it was two thousand years ago,  “What are we looking for?”.

Is it bad to question yourself?

If so, why was Jesus so famous for always asking questions?  Challenging what the people in his historical realm believed in.

And this my dear friend can only lead us to the following questions, what do YOU believe in and what are YOU looking for?

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